October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and on Sunday night my timeline was full of candles lit for the #waveoflight done every October 15th in memory of lost babies everywhere.
More and more women are speaking out about their experiences of miscarriage. It’s so encouraging to see the solidarity and friendship emerging from a place of such sadness.
Despite this openness, there still seems to be that degree of awkwardness when it comes to talking to someone who has had a miscarriage.
From experience I know people find it hard to know what to say to a couple who have lost their baby. When we had our miscarriage, friends and family wanted to be supportive but simply didn’t know what to say.
Here’s what we found to be helpful (and not so…)
It can be hard to know what to say. So tell her that. Saying “I don’t have the words but please know I’m thinking of you” is so much better than not saying anything at all out of awkwardness.
A quick “you’re in my thoughts” text just to let her know you’re thinking of her could mean the world to her.
This one may seem obvious but just listen to her. Be a shoulder to cry on. You don’t even need to say anything. Just let her vent. Let her be angry. Let her be sad. Let her grieve.
On the other hand she may not want to talk about it all. That’s ok too! There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Again, everyone grieves differently. Just don’t expect her to be “back to normal” within a couple of weeks. All that will do is show her she can no longer confide in you and she will keep her feelings to herself.
I realise I’ve written “her” and “she” a lot during this post but please remember the baby had a dad as well as a mum. He is also grieving while trying to support his partner/wife and deserves the same level of compassion.
Please don’t use the word lucky when relating to anything to do with miscarriage. There’s nothing “lucky” about it.
Great. Well with all due respect, God can take a hike.
This was actually said to me by an ex colleague. It haunts me even now, over six years after our loss.
Please also don’t imply others have had it worse. There are so many heartbreaking stories of loss but that doesn’t negate someone else’s feelings. They’re all completely valid.
I understand it’s hard to know what to say. But rather than offering empty platitudes just offer a shoulder to cry on. Just be there.
Just be a friend.
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Thank you, this is a really good post. It is so difficult to know what to say to someone when they have suffered a loss.
This is all such valuable advice. The last thing you want to hear is stuff like "oh well, it's not as bad as so and so" or "you are lucky really, you still have"... It's very important not to forget the dads too. Thank you!
I agree that it is so important not to forget about Dad - I feel like plenty of my friends forgot about my partner after ours.
Unfortunately I went through this a few years ago in my 2nd trimester! I def felt the awkward moments from people when you could tell they just weren't sure what to say. I cant honestly say nothing was worse than hearing people say whats meant to be or gods plan..... can you see me rolling my eyes
These tips resonate with me as someone who has had multiple miscarriages. I loved all of your tips
I lost my 4 and a half years ago....and this is what I have learned
I hate platitudes with a passion.
Time doesn't heal all wounds
There is no such thing as "moving on"
It was God's will- well riddle me this...how is it that God only could stand being without his son for 43 days while asking us to endure decades of being without our loved ones.
aw its soo hard , i had to deal with my sister miscarrying while we were expected around the same time it made things very upsetting but also gave her an extra special bond with my eldest daughter x
This must be one of the hardest things ever for anyone to have to cope with. Great tips and I agree as with doping with any death there are certain things people have to be careful not to say.
Some wonderful tips and we've seen some thoughtful posts around Infant Loss Awareness month. Hope this guidance helps people x
Some very valuable advice, its important to remember dad and also things on what not to say