Can a child ever be too gentle?
This is a question I’ve been asking myself this week.
Ben is my middle child and youngest boy and has always been a gentle little thing. He has just turned six and just doesn’t seem interested in things his peers are. He’s not interested in sports at all, he doesn’t enjoy “rough and tumble” style play and would rather sit and colour than play with toys.
He’s easily my most affectionate child and wears his heart on his sleeve. He has a lot of friends who are girls because he would prefer to dance and sing than run around with the boys. He isn’t competitive and spent his school sports day smiling and waving at us despite coming last in most of his events.
I’m more than happy for him to defy gender stereotypes. This is not an issue for us at all. I’m definitely not one who believes boys should conform to their mischievous, trouble making reputation. I have one son like that, I’m not sure I could handle two!
What does worry me is others taking advantage of his good nature. My eldest son knows he can coax things out of him – the last ice lolly or a toy they’re supposed to be sharing. Just yesterday he persuaded Ben to give him the conkers he was so proud of collecting and Ben shrugged and said “OK you can have them”.
While I’m proud of his generosity, part of me wills him to say no. Just once.
He came home from school without a keyring we had bought from the Harry Potter tour that he had so proudly attached to his book bag. He had given it to another child at school. When I asked why, he responded with “because he asked me for it”.
It hadn’t even occurred to him to say no and it breaks my heart a little.
You only need to turn on the news for five minutes to realise the world can be a cruel place. It’s “a dog eat dog world” they tell us, and “nice guys finish last”.
I don’t want that for my Ben. I want the best for him and for him to be happy and successful and respected. Can he ever be these things if he is being walked all over?
His teacher told us at parents evening that he has absolutely no malice in him at all and that’s a rare thing. It stuck with me. Obviously my heart burst with pride. What a lovely little boy we have. But then there’s that nagging at the back of mind. Won’t he need that in life? That grit? That edge? That determination to fight for what you believe in?
Now I know he’s still young. He’s only six. But he hasn’t changed since he was a baby. He was a pleasant laid back little boy then too. My worry is how he will be treated as he becomes older if he continues to be so easily manipulated.
I worry about all these things but then I look over at him sat on couch having a cuddle with his toy rabbit and think “please never change”.
Don’t let this world dampen your spirit. Don’t become cynical.
Maybe he can lead the way. He can make his own path in life where cynicism and mistrust have no place. Perhaps our children’s generation can be the one where kindness is not seen as weakness. Where tolerance is something to be respected not ridiculed. Where gentleness and warmth promote a similar reaction in others.
In a world of hard nosed, callous, misogynistic, narcissists perhaps we need more Bens.
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Breaks my heart reading this. My son is exactly he same and I mean exactly I feel like you are literally describing him. Theodore is 5 just turned in August youngest of his year and I used to think it was because he was slightly younger and most are nearly a year older than him but 100% it's his nature. Heart bursts with pride but I worry how the future will be with him x
It's so difficult isn't it? I'm constantly conflicted, proud one moment and worried the next. Ben is a summer baby too so also one of the youngest x
We definitely need more Bens in the world, he sounds like such a wise old soul. It's so hard from a Mum's point of view though isn't it? My daughter is the same. She is so sweet and generous, and I know other's take advantage of her kindness. She's 12 now, and getting to that preenage stage where girls can be pretty nasty to one another, and I just want to say to her "don't let them boss you around", "say no for once"...
My Hannah sounds a lot like your Ben. I needed to read this today. Thank you so much for posting!
He sounds like such a gentle soul which can be amazing and can as you say be very worrying.
Ben sounds like such a sweetheart, it almost brings tears to my eyes! It’s amazing that he’s so naturally generous and kindhearted. I know some vey gentle men who have similar tendencies, and I’m so grateful no one tried to toughen them up. They bless the world with their kindness, empathy, and sensitivity.
He sounds like the kindest little soul and I understand all your worries, but he sounds like hope to me, hope for the future, the phrase “kill them with kindness” comes to mind. I myself would be quite like him and I did learn to say no, but it took me sometime. He’ll get to where he needs to be with an amazing parent like you there’s no denying he’s going to be a happy child ❤
My Samuel just turned six and has a super gentle way about him, too. I'm sure he and Ben would be great friends! My older son, Joshua, is thirteen and is an absolute sweetheart but also a rough & tumble man's man. I have every faith that they are both going to be wonderful men. :)
He sounds like a great little boy! Unfortunately the world is not kind with gentle and nice kids. I would suggest to always keep an eye on him and make sure that other children won't bully him in school.
I am not a mama yet but I honestly believe we need more people like your youngest son, its scary to think this cruel world might rob him of his good nature or take it for granted but I am sure he will adapt as he grows without losing this good nature in him
Really interesting and thought provoking post. Sounds like you have raised an absolutely wonderful little boy - I wish him all the best :)